I don’t usually get involved with The Daily Post’s One-Word Prompt…
It happened on a Thursday night – one of those standard, typical Oxford nights out at the sweaty, overly-packed club that is Bridge. I had probably drunk a little too much and I was probably overtired, exhausted and ready for the term to be over. Despite the combination of factors, though, I still think my answer would have been the same. The alcohol and fatigue just meant that my subconscious thoughts were more prevalent; I had never really given it a lot of thought sober.
“What’s your biggest concern in life?”
When I was asked this by someone who, I assume, was either a) looking for a deep conversation, or b) (the most likely option) trying to hit on me, the automatic answer that came out of my mouth shocked me. My drunk self didn’t even need to think about the question: there was no hesitation whatsoever.
I will never know anyone who is biologically related to me.
And once those words were out of my mouth and I had processed what I had just said, I couldn’t help but let that fact truly sink in. My drunk self covered my face in horror at what I had just admitted, not just to a stranger, but to myself. It was something that I had never really thought about; something I had never contemplated and definitely something I had never fully come to terms with. Tears began to escape from my eyes before I knew it but I hurriedly brushed them away.
But that’s what is missing in my life. It’s something that will always be missing and nothing can change that fact.
I am the one and only person I know in my biological family.
Even as I type this now I’m pushing my feelings back into that little cardboard box at the back of my mind, exactly how I did that drunk night at Bridge. And I guess I’ve only just realised now that that’s what I tend to do: I push my feelings away instead of confronting them.
It took one question on one of those standard, typical Oxford nights out at the sweaty, overly-packed club that is Bridge. One question to make me recognise and acknowledge that this is what is missing in my life. And this is what will always be missing.
I know it’s a slightly different post and definitely a lot more personal than usual. I hope you lovely readers can understand, and I do really want to write more about adoption and my experiences/feelings on this blog.
Thanks so much for reading!
Peace and love,