I haven’t written a post like this in a while but I thought it was time to write down all of the thoughts and feelings I’ve been having, especially now that I’m finally able to put them into words. It gets pretty personal.
I guess you could say for the past week or so, I haven’t felt like myself at all. And I’ve never felt like that before. It was actually kind of scary. Before I got back to university, I was so wrapped up in Collections (Oxford’s fancy name for mock exams) and revision and just the general stress of moving back and having to re-decorate my entire room, that I didn’t take a step back and process what I had done the week before. And what exactly was that? As you may have seen in my previous post, I visited China for almost two weeks in the holidays. It was incredible and I absolutely love being in China: I love the culture and the food, and being able to converse with locals in a language that I’ve worked really hard at. But it wasn’t just a trip for tourism. I also visited the town that I originally come from, and that was hard. I genuinely enjoyed exploring the place in which I had once lived and seeing what my life could have been like. I enjoyed hearing more about the local culture and tasting the local cuisine. I loved it all.
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve actually kind of felt isolated and distant. I was aware that I wasn’t making as much of an effort with people, that I would push myself away and avoid more social situations. It’s not that I didn’t want to, but I just think my mind/heart wasn’t in it as much as it usually would be. Even when I was socialising, I found that my head wasn’t in the right place and I wasn’t being my usual self. It’s hard to explain. I was just feeling down: not happy with how I looked, fed up with how work was going (the exams really didn’t go that well), unsure of what I was actually feeling at the time. It sounds silly now but I just felt that I was alone… that I didn’t have any friends or anyone to talk to. I can’t quite explain it, but it was definitely a feeling I had never come across before.
And I think it’s only dawned on me now where this has all stemmed from; I’ve finally been able to put my finger on it. Last Friday was my Adoption Day and it was this which got me thinking. When I was in China, I knew that it was going to be an incredibly personal journey, and that I would have no reason to be embarrassed about the emotions that I might encounter. There didn’t need to be an explanation for any tears and no words needed to be said: the body feels what it needs to feel. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but to sum things up, I had all of this emotion and feeling while I was out there in China, but I didn’t express it. If you’ve read my Huffington Post article, I spoke about tending to block things in my mind. I knew I had every right to express how I felt, that it was perfectly normal to feel emotional… but I kept it in. And to an extent, I still have. And it’s this huge, intense ball of I-don’t-even-know-what that’s been gnawing inside at me. I’m scared to confront it. I’m scared to voice it to friends who just don’t get the whole “adoption” thing. I’m scared that I’ll be a complete mess if I even begin to try.
Thank you for reading.
Peace and love,
P.S. The header photo is what it is because I tried rowing today for the first time. It didn’t go well.